Fear of Failure
It’s a word I probably use too often in my own life because it’s the one thing that scares me. I’m constantly in fear that I’m going to wake up one day and be 65 without anything to show for it. I’m constantly in fear that everything I do and everything I touch is just simply going to fail. And if I’m being completely honest, up to this point in my life, I feel that to be true.
I’ve had so many ventures and projects and endeavors that never got to see the light of day because they failed before even being given a chance. And I realized it’s because the way I measured success was based solely on audience reaction and interaction. How many likes this post has or streams this song gets or if anyone is even reading this blog post. But that’s what social media has done to us, right? We are so focused on the number that it starts to consume us. It starts to define everything we do. Constantly refreshing the app thinking, “More people will see this, right? More people HAVE to care.” It’s an addiction. And then when it doesn’t reach that magical number benchmark you’ve set for yourself, the feelings of self doubt and unworthiness start to set in.
I recently took an Enneagram test and discovered that I’m a 3w2. In short, I’m an achiever. I have to be constantly achieving things in order to feel satisfaction. And my existence is in part based on how others view me. When I read this I immediately felt understood, but then I was instantly saddened because I had to accept a part of myself that I didn’t want to be true. I didn’t want my existence to be based on public validation. But it made sense. I love performing, I’ve always wanted a big career; if someone doesn’t compliment me after a performance, I immediately think that means I didn’t do well. And my love language has always been words of affirmation. But these feelings can sometimes be debilitating. And they have the ability to keep me from focusing on the good things in my life, the things that truly are successes.
I’m expecting my first child in March and my husband knows one of my biggest fears isn't failing her as a mother but that she has a mother who never achieved her dreams. How can I raise a strong independent woman to believe in herself when I struggle with that myself? How can I convince her to follow her dreams and never give up, when I constantly feel like I’m failing? Now, you may be asking yourself, “What do you view as failure?” I guess the easiest way to answer that is, I thought my life would be different. But in these failures and in this transitional period of my life I’ve started to realize a few things. Your dreams can only become reality if you don’t let your failures define who you are. Your failures are only stepping stones to the successes that are coming your way. No one, and I mean NO ONE has succeeded without failing first. And I have to constantly remind myself of that.
A wise person once told me that what you talk about and what you think about
is what you bring about. So I've decided to adapt the law of attraction way of thinking in order get myself out of this feeling of failure. And I have to constantly remind myself that one failure doesn't mean I'm failing. My journey is uniquely mine, and I'm at the place now where I simply have to own it.